Fame!

The first time Rik did it it was for a dare. His mates had fed him a bottle of White Lighting followed by a good third of the pinkest Watermelon 20/20, so Rik was fully prepared to take on the deed.

The brick had been one discarded by a former building left for too many years to decompose, aided by the odd storm and occasional vandal. It wavered on the edge of the once wall. It was dirty orange with patches of black. Rik didn’t consider where the black had come from. Neither did his teeth as they bit into the sharp clayey edge. His mates laughed, expecting a spluttering of broken mouth appendages, possibly followed by a trip to A&E. But that didn’t happen. They expected a lot of blood, mixed with some gum and bits of yesterday’s dinner. But that didn’t happen. They expected painful cries of why the fuck did I do that, even with a blood alcohol level of numbness. But that didn’t happen. Instead, Rik crunched his way through the unuseful construction material with relative ease, and even a bit of enjoyment. He took another one home for later. A post drinking session snack.

Since then Rik had found it difficult to give up his brick addiction. Building merchants began their regular fortnightly delivery of fresh bricks, wondering how such small batches were being made into nothing at all. Different bricks gave off different flavours. A plethora of tastes and textures. Rik became quite the expert.

As he sat in the green room of the prime time 30 plus market segment chat show, plate of complimentary pebbles next to the other guests’ boring sandwiches, Rik considered his new found fame. You never know what you’re good at unless you have a go, and sometimes going on the piss with your mates is just the place to begin.

52 Stories: I did a book!!

52 Stories has arrived!

52 Stories has arrived!

So, remember all that time ago when I decided to write a story a week for a year? The 52 Stories thingywhassit? Well, do you know what? I only actually went and did it! You can still read a couple of samples on here, Garrison Hodge and Cheesemass, but if you want to read all of them you’ll have to go buy my book! I got a book, me! Book! Book! Book! Did I mention…

Anyway…you can buy it HERE

 

Cheesemass

cheesemass

 

Eight pints later, the only thing he wanted was food. On his walk home he’d hazily remembered the block of mature cheddar sitting in the fridge and the last of the bread in the cupboard. Cheese on toast. Like a beer sponge, it would soak everything up nicely.

After fumbling with the wrong key for ten minutes, tripping over the same doorstep he’d tripped through for the past five years, he made straight for the kitchen, to the fridge, and wrestled the door open. The bright light glared. His gloopy eyes took a while to adjust. He searched with them. Both of them. He searched some more. His brain told him that even though it wasn’t functioning at full capacity it still couldn’t see the cheese it had been promised.

In front of fridges across the land people sat staring, looking, eager to satiate the late night craving with the reliable foodstuff of decades before. But they all agreed, it wasn’t there. No cheese. Continue reading “Cheesemass”

Mr Machinery

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

Equal Degradation

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

Slippery Stealth

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

Just Another Fucking Day

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

Dear Mr MP

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

Self Aware

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield, as part of the Tins for Tunes gig at the Snooty Fox to raise food for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity.

 

Snow White – After Ever After (partial)

Thinking Chimp (Helen Rhodes) live at The Snooty Fox, Wakefield as part of the Tins for Tunes food raising gig for the local food bank. WARNING: Contains swearing, drinking, but no nudity. (The sound only kicked in half way through, so soz about that)